Electric Sewing Machine for Life

By Etchi Besem Oben

Welcome to Health Patch exclusively on Green Savannah Diplomatic Cable. This is Mama Besem, Diamond Distributor with JM International. Today our slogan is  “It is not you, it is his prostate.”

When you married him, he was an electric sewing machine on bed, now he just screams and shouts all over the house, so you don’t ask for …. You know what! If he gets past the screaming and joins you for a match, all you get is pleas for help. If you do not have a husband to notice this, think about your dad. You probably thought it was you all this while; you did something to get him perpetually upset. It is not you, it is his prostate.

Men have this precious gland called the prostate that lies between the testicles and the annal region. It is precious in many ways: (1) It secretes prostate fluid that keeps sperms alive in semen, (2) It is a pump that pushes the sperms to reach the uterus, (3) it is the male G-Spot and place of pleasure during…you know what! (4) the prostatic urethra where urine passes from the bladder is 3cm long, (5) It helps with male satisfaction, (6) It filters toxins to ensure that male seed has high quality impregnating sperm, (7) It helps with male erection. There are more functions to this gland, I will let you go over to https://prostate.net/articles/10-amazing-functions-of-the-prostate-gland and read for yourself. These 7 functions are enough for you to understand how precious this gland is and what gets lost when the gland malfunctions. Pastors start praying for the fruit of the loins. Better stop disturbing your pastor and take care of your prostate!

Health Patch says it is no secret that many men with increasing frequency are limp in erection, have low sperm count, increasing difficulty with urination and suffer a loss of the feeling of being a man as they grow older. It is a biological fact that after 35 years, the prostate gland starts to swell up from golf ball to a tennis ball and exerts pressure on the urethra causing his urination not to trace the arc it used to when he was a teen. In fact, his shoe has begun to suffer, not to talk of his bed. Even his pocket is viciously attacked by expenses on Viagra, Cialis and Hausa stick. Not to talk of paying our sisters by the roadside so that money will get him serviced, paid women-on-the-job will not laugh or get upset with his emasculation, they reason. Now, you know why he is always shouting, he just needs help with his prostate before it gets to the stage of prostate cancer. You know, nowadays with EMFS from mobile phones and laptops always near the….wait… read the next issue for EMFs. So, how do we bring back your electric sewing machine? Papa Abraham was doing it at 100 with his 90 year old wife Mama Sarah.

Health Patch recommends a non-surgical solution that will simply reduce the prostate gland to its normal size and revitalize it. JM International’s brand  of Angel’s Secret Pantyliners has the white algae band of negative ions which when lubricated with a teaspoon of water and placed on the man’s pant between the testicles and the anus, releases the negative ions which are both anti-inflammatory and hormone balancing. The Extra-Long pads have the band three times in length and his full…mmmm….can lie on it. Lubricated with a tablespoon of water (don’t worry superabsorbent surface dries in 8 secs) the restoration is total and complete. I hear you laughing about whether a man will use a pad like a woman; would you prefer to use a diaper like a baby? Angels’ Secret is unisex for men and women’s sexuality function. Electric sewing machines for life.

Dear concerned persons, when you get that sewing machine back you better be ready for that match. The panty liners also restore vaginal lubrication and natural strength to menopausal women. No more hot flushes, negative moods, or anti-intimacy reactions that push him out towards younger women. Even past 70 you will measure up to Papa Abraham and Mama Sarah as the Good Book promised. I know you want to buy the Angels Secret, our office is in Abuja and you should ask for my distributor code. Biko, this sanitary napkins market just got expanded with male and menopausal customers, you still dey think? Madam, when you see him change and start acting up, just get JM International’s Angel Secret sanitary napkins before he will need operation, and keep the fun in the bedroom going with his adrenaline rushing. It is not you, it is his prostate, Sai gobe, Sai sannu.

Etchi Besem Oben is a PhD Theology student at Duquesne University, Pittsburgh, PA, USA and a citizen of Cameroon.